In the fissures where the sharp edges of our fragmentation have cut through the tissue of togetherness and left it to bleed, the patterns of our perception crave play.” — Nora Bateston
When you encounter a challenge, do you get frustrated or curious?
These are two possible character traits, two different lenses through which to see your world — and, of course, there is the whole spectrum in between.
Which one is more likely to serve you in an increasingly chaotic world?
I’d like to share a practical tool you can start using right now if you’d like to infuse your life with more curiosity.
You can do this any time you’re with someone you care about.
You can take the deep dive together intentionally — or without their knowing, you can simply use the basic script on your end and see what happens.
Sometimes the challenge you face is coming face-to-face with a loved one.
The next time you do, you could do as I do most Thursday nights at the Circling Institute’s drop-in class.
You can play the Curiosity Game:
- As your conversation partner (willingly or unwittingly) tells you about something important in their life, get curious.
- Listen attentively to their words, but also to any sensations that are sparked inside your body.
- Once you have the basic story, reflect back what you heard to make sure you got it right. Let them clarify anything that was muddy.
- Now ask questions about anything you heard that made you curious.
- Now listen even deeper, below the level of words.
- Ask yourself:
- - Who is this person, really?
- What things are important to them in life?
- What must they have been through to be able to tell me this story?
- Why do they use this tone of voice?
- Why these facial expressions, these gestures? - Once again, tell them what you heard. Make it clear that you are tracking with them, that they haven’t lost your interest.
- Also include a description of what you felt as you listened. If you’ve been through something similar, tell them how you personally relate to their experience or what their perspective teaches you.
- Don’t be afraid to describe what happens in your body.
- - Perhaps their story made your heart beat faster?
- Did you tighten your throat?
- Maybe your shoulders released and you took a deep breath? - At some point, make use of the following (magical) phrase:
- “You know, something I think I’m getting about you is . . . “
- Finish the sentence by telling this person what you appreciate about them in this moment (and perhaps for the very first time).
- Don’t stop there. Add one more thing:
- “Being with you this whole time, I felt . . “
- How did you feel while listening?
- Pause to consult inside if the answer isn’t on the surface. Tell them how they just impacted you. Don’t keep it to yourself (like most people do, inventing stories afterwards about what wasn’t said).
Does this sound like the way you typically talk with your loved ones?
No?
If not, what would happen if you tried it out
- With your mother?
- Your lover?
- Your child?
- Your best friend?
How much of what’s important in your relationships goes unsaid?
What would change if you started saying it?
If you make a conscious practice out of the way you show up in conversation with the people you care about most in your life, you’ll start to notice how deeply intertwined we actually are.
You discover that someone’s words can change the tone of your body in an instant. Your words can have that impact too, especially if you keep listening while you speak.
There is no reason you can’t listen with this kind of awareness every time you’re in conversation. It might just change your life.
Could you use some personal guidance on matters of body, mind, and heart? To learn how I can help, click here to book a free call with me.
